what am i saying?

i do not seem to be making sense. i have achieved nothing, but i need to start, when can i finally look at myself and cheer at my achievements? mediocre doesn't even begin to cut it.

i need to start clear thinking, straight talking and truth understanding.  i will regulate and take this all in stride.

i shall be happy.

haha, now i realise what it feels like to see the truth and nothing but the bitter truth. how what you see is totally what you get, and that there can be so much behind so small a voice.

how much of what you hear is the truth, its as if the whole world seems to be talking in Newspeak. When they say you're beautiful they probably mean that you're empty and anorexic. When you converse with people do you also not hide your words and coat them to make it easier to swallow?
do you also turn all that is negative around to make it sound as if you were giving advice? are not all that what we say half of what we actually mean? why have we come to this? because we're all too fragile to accept the truth? because we're too cynical and jaded and we feel that all that we say is either stereotyped into some TYPICAL somebody else's words as they bitch and groan about how they're so sick of hearing the same ole shit everyday, they know that they're feeling exactly the SAME friggin way?

truth is hidden. why can't we never say what we feel? is it apathy for the pain that you'll know that cause with ur words? WHAT THE HELL IS IT? why are our own thoughts and actions so influenced by others? why is everything linked so intricately with other people? these people who are not of the same entity by entirely different wholes in the first place. Who are they to regulate what we say and do, every opinion voiced and objection raised is criticised. Am i guilty of criticising the critisisers? What are we all trying to attain but normalcy and state of peace with ourselves? isn't that the hippies and yuppied crap that didn't really result in anything but the rapid spread of STDs and various mind altering substances? What is going on?

Too much . too much on my mind.

huh. i've never had thought of using someone's weaknessess against them. you'd think that through out my whole childhood of being backattacked with my own weaknesses i'd figure out how to use it for myself eventually. guess i just don't have that malice in me.

maybe i should start. nothing seems to be encouraging me otherwise.

a little talk a little trot. a little smile but alot of rot.

Ode to the Liar

how much of you is true.

You're a lie and you know it. Stop trying to fool the world, if anything you haven't got me veiled. I know you haven't got anything within, and i'm not going to fill it up for you. It's not sympathy your showing, its mock. Don't need it, stop stealing. Its got nothing to do with me how you wish to live. Just stop implicating innocent audience. They mean more to me than you ever will.

I'm sorry you deserved it. It took me alot to write this, but i don't want you in my life anymore. Leave while you still can. I've got no place for your shit.

I'm so life tired.

its been quite some time since i've blogged. guess its phased out of me. when i wish to say something it has never been here for me. so i've learned to live without. but eh. now i've haven't got a thing to say.

hmm. there was this once instance. where i realized this world is FILLED with instances of bigoted, narrow-minded, loud-mouthed, ignorant people who love to talk even when people don't want to listen. i won't elaborate on who he is but he's my uncle .ha. oops guess that slipped out. yes. his non-stop racist talk with this PUNY experience and he has managed to blow it up into a mole hill.   sometimes i can't understand why there are people who seem to have a mind capacity the size of a spore. why can't they have more apathy and complexity of thought TO FRIGGIN THINK! jeez.

right. enough about that. i bet you'd like to know more about my route to self-discovery right? well. its been a long and ardous end and definately not the end. but u noe what i learn recently? that. Leo Tolstoy, famous writer apparently flung himself into the path of a speeding train because he couldn't seem to find himself. i swear i feel like him sometimes. where the overwhelming rush of thoughts in my mind attempt to overthrow me and reduce me to a crumble of realization. oh well. lets hope that doesn't happen.

also i've recently hit another part of my route to self-discovery where i'm trying the path of nonchalence. where i don't think of what others have to say. or what they think rather. nobody can stop me and that's all that matters. lets see how long this'll last. the last care for everything and everybody path sure as hell got shot down.

another thing is i've realized i don't seem to know how to appreciate. i'm going to do nice things for people that did nice things to me too. tt's different from not caring about what they think mind you. stop trying to catch me contradicting myself dammit!

ha. anyway. i've watched hotel rwanda recently. its a fantastic show. be sure you watch it too. another example of the pureness of human emotions. its ludicrous what your mind can do to you. watch it carefully! you never know what it'll make you do next. anyway. do watch the show. it'll be cold and wet so bring tissues and a coat. (btw, my TUTSI brothers! don't forget to stand by your TVs!)

right. anyway. my brother is going to go to Sweden soon to get his Technopreneur minor degree. So i've got to get in to NUS next year and go to BioValley in Philadephia to match his credentials. yes. its all a competition at home. see why i'm so demented? its all that homeskool crap they feed you.

right now flinging myself in the path of a raging train doesn't sound like a bad idea.

www.lipsync.us

go look. really. all ashlee simpson fans if you haven't already woken up after the SNL fiasco, please come towards the light.

the way i see it. she has absolutely no singing talent unless you include the ability to scream very loud and repetitively. than i should consider her the proud equivalent of an air raid siren. this lipsyncing incident has done nothing but prove my point. somehow i think she should have stayed her little hoe-down-ing self under the shadow of her sister then at least she'd have her humility left. oh well, since she's already out, its good entertainment. : )

hey people. hmm i just reread my latest entry and realized wat a fart i was. i'm going to make it a resolution to not be so much of a fart now. anyway.. its um. 2005 already! in case you haven't noticed. i still write my dates '04 though. so its been a bit hard to change. oh well. anyhoo. here's the LONG (i'msure) awaited hah post abt what i did! technically NYE wasn't planned for me at all. i figured i'd end up at home again watching ppl off in sentosa or orchard or smth on the tube getting groped and pickpocketed. BUT! i didn't! yay. change of events. i ended off instead over to den's church for the watchnight? service! it was horrificably boring at first but it got better i guess. the aunties and uncles were singing old auntie and uncle songs in this little makeshift karaoke room which was really sweet and funny at first but eventually started to kill with the screeching. no offense.. heh. than i met jenwen and some new people um, josephine and janice who were also really nice. and of course! the hero of the night BRIAN SO! (who had a firm handshake and if u noe, firm handshakes signify firm and strong character) ahhaha.. nah i'm just screwing with denise. are u reading this?! heh.. anyyyhoooo.. than they had the service and communion which i haven't had in a really really long time. so it was good. than they had candles and everything! it was.. a beautiful sight by the time it was all lighted :) well the countdown was there in the end but it was a peaceful beginning to a new year. Live like a Christian! yeah.. it was really meaningful. than we started wandering off cause it was too early to head back but too late to stay arnd. We did manage though to hitch the last train which was extened and also managed to miss our stop. -_-"" anyway. jemy managed to pick us up! at bugis and finally we were on our way to rouge. we had lots of little prblms on the way but we finally got in. sweeet. so we stayed on and partied there till 3+ which was really awesome cept for the stinkass smoke. oh yeah! we met sohail there and now we have warped conceptions on jemy's masculanity. OH WELLLLL. than. now its skool time. its the 3rd day of skool today and i've missed it. dammmn. well the advances so far. i'm STILL econs rep.. @#$%^&! (shall be less vulgur) i've sprained my finger (the middle one coincidentally). i belive this is an aid in my resolution to be less vulgur. i'm NOT in bikila's exco! garfunkle! i was really hoping to get in. WE all know how passionately i feel for JJ right?! gosh. anyway. skool's on and the Kok-mister is our CT. i hope he'll be as good as ms. Baey. oh well, either way i think he'll be quite screwed cause he has a class like ours. i'm just hoping he doesn't leave for IJC by the end of our year. and already Idz has a crush on him. ha. good luck idz i think i see the chemistry.. hehh. right, this entry took a very very tedious time to type (alliteration!) cause of my finger. so i think it'll be a while before i blog again! till then! bye kids! another resolution of the year: be more happy

btw: don't u think its so cool that some of the words are colored and some bigger than the others? i thought that was so COOL! will try to do it more. stop sniggering, tblog isn't really very maneuvable or full of perks u noe.